Is this story beginning good?
Don’t laugh if it’s horrible, I’m only 12. But I think I have great ideas. Rate and comment on how good and bad the story is. I’d really appreciate it. Thanks a ton guys!!!!
(note-the weird message in ( ) are wut the symbols i originally had in but i couldnt paste them on here cuz they turned out as squares…)
Chase sighed. It was four a.m. and a pale gray light filtered through his gray curtains. There was no sound coming from outside or in; it was another boring, gray, dull winter day. Chase stood up, brushed the dust off his hair from the ceiling and walked over to grimy vanity.
He watched himself run his fingers through his hair (the water stopped so he hasn’t showered in four days) and open the bottom right-hand drawer, the one with his picture of his parents and an old, leather-bound book, which his uncle gave to him before he disappeared. He carefully pulled out the faded book with strange markings of the front. Walking over and sitting on his messy, gray bed, he opened the book to it’s first page: (dear reader, congratulations. You have found my book. It is the key to destroy the evil of the world. So keep reading, for you can be the savior we have been waiting for. All you have to do to unlock the text is to say ‘apert liber libri’)Under that was a (jds) in big, hero black letters. And under it in small print was (the hero has come to vanquish evil.)
Chase didn’t know what the markings meant. He didn’t know what anything in the book meant. He could make out few words, like you, book, the, and we, none of which made sense. He stared at this page countless times, each time decrypting nothing.
Then came a small creaking from behind him. Chase whipped around. It was Ruby, the eight-year-old orphan, standing in the doorway.
“Chase, what’s that?” she asked, trying to peer around his shoulder. In her small arms was an assortment of water bottles and random food packages from the Kitchen Storage Cabinet.
“Nothing. Just an old textbook from Mr. Murray’s science class,” he said hastily, shoving the book under his chair into his backpack.
“Really? Sammy has an old science book, too, but it’s green,” Ruby said, raising her small eyebrows in suspicion.
“Well I’m not in the same class as Sammy,” Chase retorted.
“Whatever!” Ruby sang in her high-pitched voice, smiling her goofy little eight-year-old smile.. “Ooh, Chase, can you let me fix your hair?”
“No way! I’m not your Barbie doll and I’m not letting you put that goop you call hair gel in my hair! It’s already dirty. Hey, why are you in here anyway? Do you enjoy torturing me?”
“It is not goop! I came here to give you this.” She tossed Chase a warm bottle of water.
“Couldn’t you at least refrigerate it?”
“Be grateful for what you have.” She started toward the door, then paused. “And I don’t hate you, Chase.”
“Dinnertime!” The headmistress’s voice rang throughout the cramped house. Chase stayed at his desk, doing this math homework, and waiting for the crowded halls to clear from all the younger children racing down to the dining room.
After the halls became quieter, Chase got up, pushed his chair in, and walked into the small hallway. He observed the people still lingering in the corridor. Just two teenage girls and an abandoned little girl’s shoe. Chase kept walking to the staircase. When turning around the corner, he tripped on the small body running up the steps.
Chase fell forward, tumbling down the stairs, banging his head, and bruising his knees and legs. He lay there, dazed, until a high-pitched scream tore him back into consciousness. Sitting up (and feeling sore), he looked around. An eight-year-old girl with dark brown hair was crying and screaming, tears running down her rosy cheeks.
“Veronica!” Chase said getting up and going over to the little girl’s aid. She curled up in his arms as he carried her into his room.
“C-c-chase. W-w-w-where’s R-ruby?” Her breaths became short and ragged. “W-w-where is she?”
“I don’t know. Tell me where it hurts, why you’re crying,” Chase said urgently, fluffing up his dull gray pillows so Veronica could lay down on them.
“W-where is my sister?”
“Veronica, I don’t know where Ruby is. Tell me where it hurts!!!”
“M-my ankle r-really hurts w-when I ran into you.” Chase nodded and picked up the phone to call downstairs.
“Hello, Ms. Levesque, yes, Veronica fell on the stairs and says her ankle hurts. Can you come up to my room to check on her? Oh, my name? This is Chase Russell, room 63 on the 3rd floor.” Chase paused while Ms. Levesque talked rapidly in both French and English, as she usually did when she panicked or something drastic happened. “Okay, okay.” Then Chase hung up to check on Veronica again.
She wasn’t crying anymore, but her eyes were a little puffy and she kept sniffling, one or twice grimacing in pain.
A few minutes later, quick footsteps pounded up the stairs and a short, thin woman in her sixties, with frantic blue eyes, opened came through t
VERY GOOD! But i will tell you, the age limit for Yahoo! Answers is 13+, you are only 12…..
Hello there! Glad to see you are interested in writing. Hope you take this as constructive criticism only.
I like the story. Seems interesting, but looks like you need a little help with sentence structure and organization. The paragraphs seem a little scattered and it was somtimes difficult for me to follow what was going on.
I believe if you try to be a little more detailed, instead of rushing off to what happens next, it may help readers to better grasp the situation. And therefore, they will be more easily immersed, making it more interesting.
Hope this helps! Keep up the good work!
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Personal Experience
I think it’s a pretty good story but you’re getting the tenses mixed up. One minute it will be past tense and the next it will be present tense. Other than that, you’ve got a pretty good story started. Edit a little more, and see what you come up with. You may also want to describe where he is more. I’m assuming it’s an orphanage or something. I like the descriptive writing…that is way over the 12-year-old standard! Keep up the good work!
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VERY GOOD! But i will tell you, the age limit for Yahoo! Answers is 13+, you are only 12…..
References :